Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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