He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm bleeding and have questions
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
