You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
vagina is talking i cant
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
