Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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