just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
