I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
