Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
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