Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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