HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
