Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's shark week go big or go home
I would fuck him just for his dog
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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