FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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