You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
