you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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