Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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