dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
