You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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