What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
