You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
