Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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