I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
