Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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