how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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