I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
