You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
