Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
