So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
