You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
