I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ketchup is God's man juice
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
