Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
