How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
