All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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