i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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