all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
