woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
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it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
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He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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