The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
