Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
