Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
