ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
