Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
