How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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