so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Vodka?
Forever.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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