Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
