There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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