i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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