Pappa wants mamma naked
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
