He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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