I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
