You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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