She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
