I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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