i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
