I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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