Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
