I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
