Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
