I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
