I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
