I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
