There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
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