A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
