3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
