Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
