I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
